


the turnaround

by rierin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Lovers, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Parallel Universes, Self-Hatred, suicide warning is not about the main characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:41:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rierin/pseuds/rierin
Summary: There's a universe where meeting Izaya is the best thing that's happened to Shizuo.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 15
Kudos: 164





	the turnaround

**Author's Note:**

> please check the tags for warnings!

There's a universe where meeting Izaya is the best thing that's happened to Shizuo.

He doesn't know that yet when they first meet, though. The moment Shizuo lays his eyes on Izaya, takes in his cold, eerie, blood-colored eyes and the taunting smirk stretching his lips, he feels the anger still buzzing in him after the fight rise to new heights. He doesn't know the guy, but he's seen him around, and he's always had a bad feeling about him. He can sense the kid is trouble; he reeks of danger and lies. And while normally that wouldn't be enough for Shizuo to attack someone, he's seriously pissed off after those thugs picked a fight with him. Shizuo can barely register what Izaya is saying, but he has no doubt it's something vile; all he can think about is how much he wants to wipe that smile off his face.

But just as he clenches his fists, about to tell Izaya what he thinks of him, he gets a different sort of bad premonition. It lasts less than a second— the feeling of brittle bones crushing under the force of his punch, a flash of those same strange reddish eyes widened with fear and pain. It's gone as soon as it appears but it's enough to make him take a shaky step back, bile rising in his throat. What the hell, he thinks, swallowing thickly. The anger and adrenaline evaporate in an instant, leaving him feeling drained. He relaxes his fingers, his shoulder slouch as he turns to look at the mess of unconscious bodies behind him. He did it again.

Izaya finally stopped running his mouth, but now Shinra is talking, something about how stupid it was of him to think they'd get along. When Shizuo turns away from the beaten up thugs and looks up at Izaya again, he only sees a kid— same age as Shizuo but smaller, skinnier. I wouldn't even need to punch him to hurt him, he realizes, I could snap his bones with just a squeeze. Izaya's eyes are still cold, he still has that annoying smile on his face, but Shizuo pays it no mind.

"Why are you here? You could've gotten hurt."

Izaya's smile doesn't falter but he pauses for a second, like it's not what he expected to hear.

"Huuuh. It speaks," he drawls, and Shizuo feels a prickle of anger— but it's not enough to push down the nausea from the sensation of Izaya's bones shattering as if they were made of glass. He doesn't know where that vision came from, and frankly, he doesn't think it matters. All he knows is that he shouldn't fight this boy, no matter how annoying he is.

He hears Shinra laugh nervously. "Come to think of it, I probably shouldn't have introduced Izaya to you right after a fight." Shinra turns to Izaya. "You could've died," he says brightly. Shinra always says those things like he's talking about the weather. No wonder these two get along, Shizuo thinks darkly.

Izaya huffs. "You underestimate me."

Shizuo almost laughs at that. That kid is too confident for his own good.

"Most people know better than to get close to me when I fight," he grumbles, then glares at Shinra. "But Shinra's a fucking idiot, what's new."

"Oh, I'm not most people." Izaya's eyes flash dangerously. "I'm not scared of monsters." He takes a few steps forward and looks up at Shizuo. Even this up close, it still feels like Shizuo can't really see him, can't see past that rehearsed expression he puts on. It's irritating. "I think you and I can have fun together."

Shizuo scowls. Every word Izaya says sounds like a lie, and behind that sickening smile he's probably rotten to the core. He doesn't like him. But his anger is gone; he doesn't give a shit anymore. The pesky little gremlin can do whatever he likes. Shizuo just wants to go home.

"Whatever," he mutters, and before Izaya can continue taunting him, he turns on his heel and walks away.

"You told me he was interesting," Izaya says to Shinra, loud enough for Shizuo to hear. "But that was exceptionally boring."

Shizuo snorts to himself; if that was an attempt to insult him, then it was truly laughable.

After all, there's nothing Shizuo wants more than to be boring.

***

If Shizuo thought that he would be rid of Izaya after the pest deemed him uninteresting, he's soon proved wrong. Suddenly Izaya is around all the time with those eerie eyes and daring smiles and never-ending insults. Lunchtime used to be peaceful; just him, Shinra and Kadota, very possibly the only two people who weren't afraid of him. Now Izaya is there too. Shinra explains that Izaya never wanted to eat lunch with them but he suddenly changed his mind. Shizuo barely hears the explanation over Izaya talking shit about his lunch, then stealing the best piece of salmon.

He ends up chasing the brat around the roof; Izaya has nowhere to run so Shizuo catches him, crowding him against the wall, and Izaya challenges him to hit him, one of his hands sliding into his pocket like he's about to pull something out of it. Shizuo instead goes for his other hand, in which Izaya is still holding his store-bought sandwich. Shizuo grabs it and bites off half of it, chewing it angrily.

Izaya stares at him, so surprised for a moment he forgets to smile. And then, unexpectedly, he bursts into laughter. It sounds as grating as it always does to Shizuo, but somehow less creepy.

"You really are a beast, Shizu-chan."

"Shut up. And don't call me by that nickname. And don't fucking touch my lunch ever again."

Of course, after that, Izaya steals his food every single day, calls him by that stupid nickname all the time and never fucking shuts up.

It's really fucking annoying at first, but as days pass, Shizuo realizes he doesn't mind so much anymore. He's not sure what changed. Izaya is still constantly around, still an insolent brat; sometimes Shizuo literally feels like a dog that caught fleas. He tells Izaya just that, and the other laughs.

"Glad you realized you're an animal, Shizu-chan," is his reply.

"Glad you don't deny the fact you're a goddamn pest," Shizuo shoots back, and Izaya just laughs again. It's weird, but his laugh sounds less annoying to Shizuo with every passing day.

And then, little by little, Shizuo gets to know Izaya better.

The first thing that surprises him is that Izaya can be funny. Some of the comments he makes about Shinra or Kadota or the teachers startle a laugh out of Shizuo. He can clearly remember the first time he laughs at something Izaya says— he doesn't remember what it was, but he remembers the way Izaya looks at him with genuine surprise, his eyebrows raised like he's about to make fun of Shizuo for laughing, of all things.

"What?" Shizuo grumbles, certain he's about to hear that he's too stupid to understand jokes or that monsters shouldn't be able to laugh. But instead Izaya says,

"I've never heard you laugh before." The way he says it, soft and contemplative, in turn surprises Shizuo. But before he can react, Izaya is already talking about something else, the usual humans bullshit Shizuo tunes out more often than not.

He learns that despite the front he puts up at all times, Izaya isn't immune to emotions and he can get insecure. It's ironic how most of the time Izaya seems completely unaffected by Shizuo calling him a nuisance but then the silliest thing can make him doubt himself. The first time Shizuo notices it is when Shinra catches a cold and doesn't come to school. Izaya skipped morning classes, probably sleeping off whatever shady shit he gets up to at night, but he appears at lunch. Shizuo is pulling his lunch box out of the bag when he sees Izaya approach— and freeze as soon as he notices it's only Shizuo and Kadota.

For a moment Shizuo is baffled by the startled look on Izaya's face; he looks like a deer caught in headlights. But then he realizes something. Until now, Shinra was always there. As Izaya's best friend, he was like a link between him and others— that's probably how Izaya saw it. Except, Shizuo thinks, Izaya always seats next to him and steals his food, and these days they usually walk home together as their houses are in the same direction.

But now Izaya looks like he's ready to bolt. Shizuo scowls. What an idiot.

"What are you standing over there for?" he growls, startling Kadota who hasn't even noticed Izaya until now. "Come here."

Izaya hesitates, his expression turning carefully blank; it seems for once he can't come up with a nasty comment to save his face. He's quiet as he drops his bag and takes his usual place next to Shizuo. Shizuo scolds him for skipping class and that's enough to bring Izaya back to his usual annoying self, complete with insulting Shizuo's intelligence.

Shizuo stuffs his mouth with onigiri to shut him up, and Izaya has the audacity to complain about the taste. He eats it anyway, then drinks half of Shizuo's banana milk, and then returns it to him saying it's disgustingly sweet. Shizuo in turn puts him in a headlock and Izaya starts flailing his arms and legs, whining that he's too young to get killed by a bloodthirsty monster.

They're both surprised to hear Kadota laugh. When they stare at him, he grins, shaking his head. "You two sure get along well."

"Dotachin must be losing his mind," Izaya sighs. "He spends too much time with Shizu-chan."

"If anyone's crazy here, it's you!" Shizuo protests and Izaya laughs. Shizuo can't tell if his laugh sounds more natural and relaxed these days or if it's just him who suddenly doesn't find it annoying anymore. In fact, he's glad to hear it and he thinks he can put up with Izaya being an infuriating piece of shit if he gets to hear it more.

He also learns Izaya has two sisters, whom he looks after because their parents are never home. Izaya claims they're a menace but when Shizuo visits him he finds their drawings stuck to the fridge, and then some more to the corkboard in Izaya's room. When he meets them, Shizuo also finds out Izaya makes them lunch every morning even though he rarely brings lunch for himself. If he does it's store-bought and he never eats more than three bites before throwing it away.

Shizuo doesn't scold Izaya for stealing his food anymore. (And if he asks his mom for bigger portions and more fish and seafood because Izaya doesn't like meat... well, nobody has to know.)

There are many other things he finds out. Izaya's favorite foods, what music he listens to, what kind of books he likes to read when he can't fall asleep, the way his eyes light up when he's excited and the way they glaze over when he's deep in thought. He learns Izaya has a smile that's very different from his usual sharp, mocking grin. It's sweet, soft and filled with fondness, and the first time Shizuo sees it, it takes his breath away. He always thought Izaya was pretty, it's impossible not to notice. But after seeing him smile like that, Shizuo decides pretty is not enough to describe him. In Shizuo's eyes, he's the most beautiful person alive.

He doesn't know what to do with that realization.

There are bad things too, though. Like the way Izaya has no regard for his own well-being, the dangerous people he makes connections with, the enemies he makes. It's like he doesn't truly feel alive unless his life is in danger. And he skips class too often, forgets to eat, doesn't get enough sleep. But at least these are things Shizuo can help with. He can tell why Izaya is like this; he's never had anyone care for him. So Shizuo tries to let him know he cares. And Izaya, of course, complains about it— but his attendance gets better, and he doesn't look quite so tired most of the time.

Other things, Shizuo can't do much about. Like how sometimes, when he's especially insecure, Izaya will lash out in an attempt to push everyone away. He'll say the most awful, cruel things, and with how smart and observant he is, he's unmatched when it comes to hurting others using words.

The first time it happens, Shizuo is not impressed. Izaya keeps saying things like _: let's stop pretending to play nice, you're so dumb I got tired of you, I could never get along with a monster._ Somehow, Shizuo instantly can tell what Izaya is trying to do. And the words he says are irritating, but what really pisses Shizuo off is that Izaya seems to think making Shizuo leave him is going to be this easy.

So Shizuo grabs him by the collar and slams him against the wall— much rougher than how he usually handles Izaya, enough for the impact to knock the wind out of his lungs and make him shut up for a moment.

"Whether you like it or not, I'm your friend now," he grumbles. "All this bullshit you're spewing won't change that. So shut the fuck up."

Izaya does turn quiet for a moment. And then, he starts laughing. He sounds breathless, hysterical. Shizuo scoffs, mildly disturbed, and releases him; Izaya sways on his legs then leans back against the wall, holding his stomach as he keeps laughing.

"Ah, Shizu-chan…never acts the way I expect him to…" He wheezes. "Ah… it's so annoying." He exhales, and all of sudden, falls completely silent, ducking his head. When Shizuo takes a closer look, he notices his breath is shaky and his shoulders are trembling. Fucking hell, he thinks, this kid is out of his fucking mind. Shizuo can't even begin to guess what happened to make Izaya act like this, but he knows it hurts. It hurts to see him so distressed.

The need to comfort Izaya is so strong, Shizuo is acting on instinct when he grabs his arm and pulls him into a hug. He expects Izaya to resist, but he immediately presses closer, burying his face in Shizuo's shoulder, his fingers desperately digging into Shizuo's arms, like Shizuo is the only thing keeping him together.

A sudden surge of protectiveness surges through Shizuo, catching him off guard; he knew he cared, but he didn't realize how intense it was. Three things occur

to Shizuo at once: that it's his first time hugging anyone like this, that Izaya is smaller than he realized, and that Shizuo would die to keep him safe.

***

Things change between them after that. They used not to touch each other much, neither of them was into physical affection. If they did touch, it was playful at best and violent at worst, though Shizuo always held back. But now Shizuo has the urge to touch Izaya all the time. He realizes he sees Izaya differently than before, though he can't pinpoint what changed exactly. He finds himself ruffling Izaya's hair, wrapping his arm around him, offering piggyback rides. It's nothing unusual between friends, but it's new to Shizuo.

What's even more surprising is that Izaya never pushes him away. He eventually starts initiating it too. Sometimes he sits in Shizuo's lap even though there are other places to sit, as Shinra points out helpfully. Sometimes he jumps on his back, laughs if he manages to startle Shizuo then complains when Shizuo picks him up like it's not why he jumped on him in the first place. Sometimes he casually leans his head on Shizuo's shoulder, intertwining their arms, then starts playing with the fingers of Shizuo's hand. Sometimes he puts his hand against Shizuo's, comparing the size. They both have slim hands with long fingers, but Shizuo's are obviously bigger, and Izaya often smiles softly at the difference, like it's something to be happy about. Shizuo doesn't really understand, but he gets this strange longing in his chest and it only eases a bit when they end up holding hands.

"I've never seen Izaya-kun act like that with anyone," Shinra tells Shizuo one day when during the lunch break Izaya falls asleep with his head on Shizuo's shoulder. "He must really trust you." Shinra's tone is light, no different from the usual, but he has a strange look in his eyes, like he's trying to find something in Shizuo's face. Shizuo doesn't know what Shinra is expecting, and he doesn't care. He looks at Izaya, his relaxed expression, his long eyelashes rested against his cheeks, his slightly parted lips, and he feels his heart clench. He must've been tired. Maybe he had trouble falling asleep again. Shizuo told him to call him if that happens, but Izaya rarely does it. He's always reluctant to ask for help.

"I suppose it must be satisfying," Shinra says. "Like when a cat that hates everyone lets you pet it."

Shizuo frowns at him. "Izaya is not my pet."

"No?" Shinra tilts his head. "Then what is he?"

"He's.. " Shizuo starts, then falls quiet. He realizes he has no idea how to answer that question. The only thing that comes to his mind is 'soulmate' but there's no way he's going to say something this cheesy in front of Shinra. And is it even true? They trust each other, they get along well, but does Shizuo even really understand Izaya? It's not like they have a lot in common when it comes to hobbies, the way they think, the way they see the world. He sighs, frustrated. "Just a brat," he mutters. Shinra is not even listening anymore, instead gushing about how he wishes Celty would fall asleep on his shoulder.

One thing Shizuo is sure of: Izaya really needed someone he could trust and Shizuo is happy to be that person for him. He wouldn't have it any other way.

***

As they get closer, Shizuo learns how to deal with Izaya's moods. Or maybe Izaya just makes it easier for him. These days, a hug is enough to get him to stop. Whenever Shizuo holds him, Izaya melts into it, like can't help it. And no matter what Izaya says, Shizuo can't be mad at him when he can feel him tremble like he's scared of something. Shizuo doesn't know what it is but he hopes one day Izaya won't be afraid anymore. He wants to think what they have now is bigger, stronger than whatever could try to tear them apart.

It really hurts him when it's Izaya who tries, and almost succeeds. This time, Izaya doesn't allow Shizuo to pull him into his arms. He angrily pushes him away, then takes a quick step back.

"Don't touch me," he hisses, briefly showing anger, before he recomposes himself, that irritating, sharp smile back on his face. "It's pointless, Shizu-chan. It was fun playing friends with you, but we know it won't last. You know most friendships made in school don't last, right? Those relationships are artificial, merely a result of being forced to spend time together. But once you graduate, it becomes clear you had nothing in common with the people you thought were your friends. There are exceptions, of course, usually there will be at least one person you developed a genuine bond with. But let's be honest, you're not that person for me."

Shizuo grits his teeth. "Are you done yet?"

Izaya's grin grows. "Yes. Done with you."

"I don't know why you're doing this again, but just know it changes nothing. We're still friends."

Izaya laughs; it's cold, hollow, sounds so different from the way he laughs when he's genuinely having fun that it's hard to believe it's the same person.

"We never were friends. Didn't Shinra warn you? That I'm going to manipulate and use you?"

Shizuo's eyes widen— Shinra did say something like that back when he started getting really close to Izaya. Shizuo paid in no mind; he could take care of himself well enough and back then he still didn't fully trust Izaya.

Once he really got to know Izaya, he forgot all about it. Yes, Izaya can still be a manipulative bastard, but that's mostly reserved for the shady people he works for. He's loyal to his friends. Shizuo still believes that, even now when Izaya's eyes are cold and devoid of emotion.

"He did, didn't he?" Izaya laughs. "You should have listened. Shinra knows me better than anyone."

"I don't think so," Shizuo grumbles. "And you never manipulated me, so-"

"Shizu-chan is such a simpleton," Izaya sighs. "How dumb can you be? You do know all those gangs you fought were really after me. In some cases, I deserved it. But you defeated them all anyway." Izaya looks very pleased with himself. "You really helped to build my reputation, so thanks for that. It was a great deal, really. Pat the monster's head and it becomes a loyal dog, right? All I needed was to gain your trust and show you some affection." He huffs a laugh. "It was tiring at times, though, you treated me like your personal plush toy, and for a monster, you're insufferably boring. So I'm glad it's over." He looks into Shizuo's eyes, his gaze steel hard, unwavering. "I don't need you anymore."

Shizuo's heart is pounding. Once Izaya is done talking, it's all he can hear, so loud in his ears it drowns out everything else. He's expecting a wave of rage but it doesn't come. He's just hurt. Really, really hurt, he can feel it in his chest, in all of his bones, it tightens his throat, makes it hard to breathe. A part of him still believes Izaya isn't being honest, but his words cut too deep and it's hard being rational right now. Besides, if Izaya can say all this so easily, with so much confidence, then in a way, he must believe it.

Even if it's a twisted truth, something Izaya tells himself to convince himself he doesn't care—

Even if just a small part of it is true, it's still too much for Shizuo to stomach.

And he's tired. Tired of convincing Izaya they're friends while the other constantly tries to reduce their relationship to nothing. What kind of friendship is that, anyway? Why does he always have to be the one trying to save it? It's not fair.

"Fine," Shizuo says quietly, meeting Izaya's eyes. That taunting smile falters briefly, like it's not what Izaya expected to hear— he probably was hoping for anger, something more entertaining. Well, Shizuo isn't going to entertain him anymore. "Have it your way."

And with that, he turns on his heel and leaves. He can't help but be reminded of the day they met. Didn't Izaya also call him boring back then? Maybe this is really what he thinks.

Izaya doesn't call after him; Shizuo wasn't expecting him to, anyway. He's

starting to believe that he was always the only one who really cared.

***

Izaya doesn't come to school after that. When Shinra asks Shizuo about him during their first break, Shizuo can only scowl.

"Probably busy doing shady shit," he answers not looking up from his notebook, trying to ignore the hollowness in his chest. He wasn't able to focus and the notes he took make even less sense than usual.

Shinra hums. "His attendance has been good recently. Seems like a waste to ruin that now." He looks at Shizuo expectantly, like he's waiting for him to say 'I'll talk to him' or something like that. Shizuo almost laughs at the irony. Izaya is far more likely to listen to Shinra than him right now.

"Who cares. I'm not his mom."

Shinra's expression doesn't change but there's something like recognition in his eyes. He realized something happened between them.

"But you're the closest thing he has to family. Apart from his sisters, but they can't exactly look after him."

"I don't think he sees it that way."

Shinra tilts his head. "Did something happen?"

"Just like you said," Shizuo is trying to keep his tone casual but even he can tell his voice sounds tight. He's never been good at hiding his emotions. "He manipulated me, used me and tossed me aside." He suddenly realizes he's close to snapping the pen in his hand, so he puts it down and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

"I did say he would do that, didn't I?" Shinra sounds thoughtful. "But I don't think that's what happened."

Shizuo blinks at him, confused, and Shinra smiles.

"He loves you, you know," Shinra says, tone light, and Shizuo stills, his breath gets stuck in his throat. "More than anything. I can tell, because I love Celty the same way. But Izaya-kun is not like me. He might be unwilling to embrace it, scared of the way it affects him. But most likely, he's just scared of you leaving him. Despite what you might think, he doesn't hold himself in very high regard. He probably believes it's inevitable that you will get tired of him one day. So he's trying to push you away before it happens. That way he can tell himself it's what he wanted."

Shizuo frowns. Somehow it's irritating to hear Shinra explaining Izaya's feelings to him because he already knew all of this, on an instinctual level. He's never really tried putting it into words, though, not even in his head. It does make it somewhat easier to understand. But he still doesn't know what to do.

How can Izaya think Shizuo will leave him when it's always the other way around? He's sick of being pushed away, tired of Izaya jeopardizing their friendship. Shizuo is a simple, straightforward person and Izaya's mind games are exhausting him.

"That idiot," he huffs.

"What are you going to do?" Shinra doesn't sound concerned, just curious. Shizuo knows Shinra most likely doesn't care either way but he can give him credit for trying to help despite his indifference.

"I don't know, I need to think."

Shinra grins. "Good luck."

Shizuo glares. He can't tell if Shinra is teasing him or being sincere and somehow that pisses him off more than the comment itself. At least with Izaya he can always tell. And he doesn't even get annoyed anymore because he's so used to Izaya making fun of him.

Maybe he even misses it a little. He runs his hand through his hair, groaning in frustration. What should he do?

***

A week passes without Izaya appearing in school. Shizuo doesn't try to call or text him, but he makes up his mind to do it if Izaya is still not there on Monday.

With his parents away driving Kasuka for a drama club camp, he's alone for the evening. The house is quiet, and the rainy weather makes the silence feel gloomy. That's why Shizuo puts on music and decides to thoroughly clean his room.

He's taking out trash when he notices a figure on the other side of the street, standing completely still in the rain, He frowns, quickly throws the plastic bag into the trash can and crosses the street, already knowing who it is.

Somehow, Shizuo is able to smell— no, sense him. It's been like that for a while.

Izaya jerks in surprise when he hears someone approach; he must've been deep in thought to only notice now. Shizuo scowls. With how dangerous his work is, he really should be more careful. It's like he's asking for trouble.

Izaya takes a step back, tensing, looks like he's ready to run— Shizuo takes another step forward and grabs his wrist before he can get away. The grip is strong, probably enough to be painful.

"Where have you been?" he asks. The anger, stress and worry make his voice sound harsher than he meant. Izaya slowly looks up at him and Shizuo flinches. He's paler than usual, looks like he hasn't slept in days, and the blankness in his eyes, the lack of any expression, is far more alarming than all of his vicious smiles.

"You're soaked through," Shizuo notices. Izaya is wearing only a thin black shirt, so wet now that it's clinging to his skin. "Come on in." Izaya inhales sharply when Shizuo pulls him towards his house but he doesn't protest otherwise, lets Shizuo drag him inside. Shizuo is still angry, but the worry is far more prominent now. Knowing how hard it will be to make Izaya talk, he decides getting him warm is more important. Briefly explaining that his family is away, he hands Izaya a towel and a change of clothes and pushes him into the bathroom. He's relieved when he hears the shower run. Partly because he felt like he was pushing around a lifeless doll and partly because he wouldn't put it past Izaya to try and escape through the bathroom window.

Shizuo is in the kitchen making tea when Izaya emerges from the bathroom. When Shizuo turns to look at him, he's awkwardly lingering in the doorway, his arms defensively wrapped around himself, his eyes fixed to the ground. He's wearing Kasuka's sweatpants and Shizuo's hoodie. It's quite big even on Shizuo so Izaya is practically drowning in it. Shizuo feels his face turn warm; Izaya looks adorable. Soft and small in a way that makes Shizuo want to take care of him. It's not a new feeling, he's felt that way about Izaya for a while now, but the way it makes his heart stutter still surprises him.

"Go to the living room, I'll bring the tea in a moment."

Izaya hesitates for a moment, but then he nods. It's strange to see him so quiet and docile. Shizuo once again finds himself missing Izaya's mean comments.

Once the tea is ready, Shizuo sets the steaming cups on the coffee table. Izaya is sitting curled up on the couch; he's watching him but his eyes are unfocused like his mind isn't really present. Shizuo sits next to him, switches the TV on for some background noise, and takes a deep breath trying to prepare himself for the conversation. It will no doubt be frustrating and the last thing he wants is to snap right now.

"What were you doing standing in front of my house in the rain?"

Izaya startles, like he wasn't expecting Shizuo to talk to him. Despite that, he answers immediately.

"I was on my way home. And then I saw your house and I just… stopped."

Shizuo raises his brows, waiting for Izaya to continue but after a moment it becomes obvious he has no intention to without further prodding.

"So you'd just keep standing there if I didn't happen to see you?"

"No." Izaya ducks his head. "Eventually I'd go home. Because I'm a coward." He swallows like his throat is dry but he doesn't reach for the tea. "I'd leave even though there was something I wanted to tell you."

Shizuo huffs. Izaya sounds far more honest than usual, like he has no strength left to hide his emotions. It's unnerving in a way. Shizuo isn't sure he's ready to find out how Izaya really feels about him.

"Well then, lucky you. You can tell me now."

There's a pause and then Izaya nods slowly. He takes a deep breath like he's preparing for a long speech but instead he exhales silently and all he says is a soft, "I'm sorry."

Shizuo almost laughs at that. Izaya has never apologized after any of their arguments. It's strange to hear him say it. And it doesn't make Shizuo feel any better.

"For what?" he asks, and he's not even sure if he means that there are too many things Izaya owes apologies for or that he doesn't need to apologize at all. Yes, Shizuo is pissed, but an apology isn't what he wants.

"Everything," Izaya says, louder and sharper than before, his head snapping up to look at Shizuo. There's anger in his eyes now but Shizuo can sense it's not directed at him. "I know… I'm difficult to be around. That's why… I could never make friends." He gives a short laugh but it sounds more like a choked up sob. "You put up with me for so long and I kept hurting you. I'm the worst."

Shizuo doesn't respond for a moment. Then, as gently as he can, he grabs Izaya's wrist.

"Well, at least the bruises have faded," he says, thumb brushing against Izaya's pale skin. Izaya looks at his wrist then back at Shizuo, his eyes wide and confused.

"W-what?"

"Whenever I ask, you say it's nothing. But now that we've been apart, they're gone. So it was me, wasn't it. I've been hurting you." Shizuo sighs. He feels guilty. He never meant to, and he's trying to get better at controlling both his temper and his strength, but it's fucking hard. It's been easier with Izaya around, though. Like, weirdly enough, having Izaya annoy him constantly reduced the rage always sitting deep inside him. "You've never said anything. And you kept getting close to me." He looks into Izaya's eyes. "Why?"

Izaya abruptly turns red, swallows, and looks away. "I meant what I said. It was nothing. Didn't even hurt."

Shizuo stares at him, confused by the reaction. Acting like it's nothing is very typical of him, but why the hell is he blushing?

"You know using that to push me away would be far more efficient than all the crap you said to me last week."

Izaya pauses at that, then huffs a humorless laugh. "I know." He doesn't say more, presses his lips tightly together. But Shizuo can guess what he's thinking. Izaya will probably never admit it but he wanted Shizuo to blame him. Not himself.

"Idiot," Shizuo says gruffly then cups Izaya's face, makes him meet his eyes. He needs Izaya to finally get it so he stops pulling those stupid stunts. "Listen to me. I'm not going to leave you. Do you understand? I'm here to stay. No matter what. So stop trying to push me away."

Izaya's eyes widen and Shizuo thinks he'll never forget that look— a mix of disbelief and desperate hope, so raw and vulnerable it makes his heart clench. Just how scared is Izaya of being left alone? Why is it so hard for him to believe that someone will stick around?

Izaya doesn't respond. Instead, he shifts closer and Shizuo readily opens his arms, pulls him into an embrace. Izaya's breath hitches, he's shaking as he clings to Shizuo like his life depends on it. _He loves you_ , Shizuo recalls Shinra's words, _more than anything_. He wonders if Izaya can feel how fast Shizuo's heartbeat is.

They stay like this for a long time, until Izaya's breath evens out. He eventually pulls back; he looks flustered, won't meet Shizuo's eyes, but he lets Shizuo wipe the wetness off his cheeks.

"So I'm really stuck with you, huh," Izaya mumbles. He sounds more like himself now and Shizuo can't help but grin.

"Yeah. There's no escape."

Izaya snorts. "The beast has finally caught me." He finally looks up to give Shizuo a playful smile. "Are you going to eat me, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo can feel his face turn hot. Izaya surely didn't mean to make it sound suggestive… or did he? You never know with that brat. He's infuriating, but Shizuo missed that. Grinning, he ruffles Izaya's hair, putting just a little more force into it than necessary. "You'd probably taste terrible."

Izaya laughs, and this time it sounds soft, relaxed. Happy. It makes Shizuo smile, makes him unknowingly turn the playful action into just gentle hair petting, his fingers combing through Izaya's soft hair, until he realizes what he's doing and pulls back, flustered. Izaya doesn't seem to notice, though; he sighs, sounding content, and rests his head on Shizuo's shoulder.

"We make such a weird pair, don't we."

Shizuo hums absentmindedly, his eyes focusing on the TV screen. He's not even trying to comprehend what's on— it seems to be some kind of a history documentary— but he thinks with the way his heart is pounding right now, looking at Izaya would be too much.

"I bet there's a world where we can't stand each other."

Shizuo tenses at that, all too clearly remembering how much he wanted to hurt Izaya the first time they met. But he quickly pushes that memory down. It's meaningless. He was angry and he wasn't being rational.

"You think so?"

"Oh, I'm sure of it." Izaya sounds more amused than bothered by the idea. "I bet you could hate me simply for being me."

Shizuo frowns. Izaya is just kidding, he knows, but he also knows sometimes Izaya is serious when he sounds like he's joking, and he doesn't want him to doubt their friendship again.

"If there's a world where I hate you I'm gonna go there and kick my own ass."

Izaya laughs. "I'd like to see that."

"You're just curious who would win."

"You know me too well, Shizu-chan."

And it's true. Shizuo knows Izaya better than anyone, and he knows he'd rather die than hurt him. And if there's a world where things are different… it's a bother to even think about that.

If there's such a world, then fuck that world, Shizuo decides.

***

In another world, Shizuo would rather die than even think about getting along with Izaya.

There's no way it could ever happen, anyway. He hates Izaya, he's hated him ever since they met. He wants him dead.

If you asked him why, he wouldn't be able to give a clear answer. He'd probably be too pissed to even think about it. Maybe he'd say that if there was something human about Izaya, if he had feelings or weaknesses like most people do, Shizuo wouldn't be able to hate him. But there is nothing like that in Izaya, he's sure of it. Izaya is shallow and empty inside, rotten to the core, and he hides all that ugliness behind his taunting smiles and broken laughter. He has no redeeming qualities.

Shizuo is certain nobody will miss him if he's gone. So he figures it'll be okay to kill him. If he thinks about his sisters, he only feels sorry that they're stuck with a brother like Izaya. He doesn't even want to imagine what it'd be like to grow up with that bloodsucking parasite in your home.

Shizuo hates violence, but whenever he sees that flea, he just can't control himself. That makes him hate Izaya even more. He can't stand that lilt in his voice, the way he laughs when he lies, the way he's always out of Shizuo's reach, like he's some kind of an evil fairy, not more substantial than a gust of wind, a play of light. Shizuo wants to grab him, squash him with his bare hands like the pest he is. He just wants him gone.

In this world, Shizuo almost kills Izaya.

***

There's a world where Izaya loves humans.

He likes simply observing them as he walks home from his lectures. He's not the type to listen to music outside; the fragments of people's conversations are far more interesting, even when he's not looking for any specific information. He likes to guess what people's lives are like from the small tidbits he hears. What their minds work like. What they're passionate about and what they're hiding from everyone.

Human mind fascinates him, that's why he picked psychology for his major. He wasn't interested in studying at all, he knew he was smarter and more knowledgeable than most people his age and he didn't need an official paper to confirm it. But Shizuo kept telling him to at least try, at least for a year. Izaya knows Shizuo just wanted him to stop working for the yakuza. It was pretty funny that Kine and Shiki wholeheartedly supported the idea.

It probably says something about your family life when the yakuza tries to parent you.

"If you really find it boring you can ditch it," Shizuo insisted. And eventually Izaya agreed, convinced he wouldn't last a year.

He's on his third year now, and surprisingly, it's more fun than he thought. More than anything, he likes discussions, and the fact the other students actually listen to what he has to say and even find it interesting enough to respond, unlike Shizuo who only puts up with his rambling about humans but very rarely offers any insight himself.

Despite that, he doesn't get close to any of his classmates. Most of them find him strange, and others, those who know what he does for work, think he's dangerous. But that's fine. He already has more friends than he thought he'd ever make. He sometimes remembers how incredibly lonely he was back in middle school. Izaya rarely allows himself to wallow in self-pity but he can't help but feel sorry for the kid he used to be.

But today, he decides, is not a day for sad thoughts. It's a warm, spring day, and the streets are crowded and lively, filled with conversation, laughter, scent of food and sweat. And Shizuo has a day off today. It's past 4, so he probably already got up after sleeping off his night shift. Izaya decides to stop by their favorite restaurant for takeout. Izaya actually prefers Russia Sushi most of the time, but Shizuo likes warm, homely meals and he doesn't get to eat them every day now that he got a place of his own.

The restaurant is small and almost empty as right now it's the calm window after lunch and before the evening rush. There are only two girls sitting at one of the small tables. With just a glance, Izaya can tell they're university students, like him. The food here is cheap and delicious, so it's popular among people his age, but it's still not a much known spot so it's quiet most of the time.

As soon as he approaches the counter, an old lady emerges from the kitchen, wiping her hands with a cloth. She smiles at him.

"Izaya-kun," she greets. He's not surprised she remembers his name; they've chatted quite a lot since he started coming here. "Takeout for you and your friend again? The usual?"

"Yes. And some shrimp gyoza, please."

"Of course, sweetie."

The weather is nice so he waits outside, sitting on the small bench in front of the restaurant and watching people walk by. Even though the city is busy as always, he feels calm sitting here in the sunlight. Just like a cat napping in the sun, detached from everything happening around it. After a moment, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket; he checks it to find a message from Shizuo.

_where are you?_

_I'll be there soon_ , he types and adds a heart. Just as he sends the message, the old lady comes out of the restaurant and sits next to him. She hands him a bag with the food and he thanks her but doesn't move to leave yet, sensing she feels like chatting. She usually tells him about her husband. At first Izaya didn't realize he was dead; she talks about him as if he's still around. He eventually figured it out, but he never said anything. He likes listening to her stories and he feels no need to dissolve her delusions.

She's unusually quiet today, her pale eyes staring off into space.

"You know he's gone, right?" He looks up at her, surprised. The corners of her eyes wrinkle as she smiles wistfully. "My husband."

He hesitates for a moment, but then he nods. She doesn't seem surprised.

"I know it too. But sometimes it's easier to… pretend. My daughter gets upset when I speak of him like… like he's still alive." She sighs and shakes her head. "Thank you for listening to me."

"No need to thank me," he says, smiling. "I find you interesting."

She laughs at that. "My my, are you flattering me?" Izaya wasn't, he was just stating the truth, but he just tilts his head with a playful smile, letting her think what she wants.

"You're a very bright young man," she says, fondness in her voice. "And kind, too. Not many people would find time to listen to the ramblings of an old woman." She reaches out and gently squeezes his forearm. "Whoever you get this food for, they're lucky to have you."

Izaya laughs at that and thanks her. Maybe she thinks the laughter is out of shyness, but the thought is so ridiculous to him it's genuinely funny. If anything, Shizuo is extremely unlucky to have met him and stupid for stubbornly keeping him in his life. Izaya has no doubt he's more trouble than he's worth.

Of course, he says the opposite when he recounts the story to Shizuo.

"See? Someone finally acknowledged what a wonderful person I am, I hope you will now realize how lucky you are."

Shizuo snorts as he chews on his noodles. "She has no idea how annoying you can be."

"Me? Annoying?" Izaya places a hand over his chest. "Never. Name one time I annoyed you."

Shizuo almost chokes on the food. "One? One???"

"See, you can't name even one!" They both laugh, and then Izaya sighs, absentmindedly stirring his soup. He can feel Shizuo watching him, probably about to scold him for not eating his food.

"She called me kind," he says, and huffs a humorless laugh. "Isn't that ironic?"

Shizuo hums, doesn't respond for a moment and Izaya thinks he's going to leave it at that, but then he asks, "What do you think of yourself?"

The question surprises him, but he doesn't let it show. He doesn't dwell on it too much, either. If he did, he'd probably come to unpleasant conclusions.

"We're all different things to different people," he answers evasively. "Even the worst person can be someone's savior." He tilts his head and smiles sharply, "What am I to you, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo hums, still focused on his food. Izaya half expects him to throw an insult so they can return to their usual banter but instead Shizuo says, "I wouldn't call you kind. But you aren't the opposite of it, either." He looks up at Izaya and smiles, one of those rare soft smiles that make him forget how to breathe. "I think you're something entirely else."

"Oh?" Izaya swallows, tries to keep his voice steady even though his heart is pounding in his chest. "Like what?"

"I'll tell you some other time. Eat your food before it gets cold."

"That's not fair, Shizu-chan," Izaya doesn't even need to fake the sulking tone. "Tell me now before your miniscule brain forgets it."

Shizuo's brow twitches. "Well, right now I think you're just a brat."

"You already forgot? That's worrying. Your last brain cell must be close to dying."

Shizuo snarls and lunges at him and they end up chasing each other around the apartment. Izaya doesn't mind getting caught, even if Shizuo is absolutely merciless and doesn't stop tickling him until Izaya promises to be good.

Whatever he is to Shizuo, he can only hope it's at least half as important as what Shizuo is to him.

***

In another world, Izaya also loves humans.

That's why he's standing here, looking at the pavement, searching for something that would show someone died here not long ago. If there was blood, it must have been scrubbed clean.

He went to the roof before, and saw nothing. It looked perfectly normal. It wasn't like in the movies, no eerie music, no cheap editing making the place look bleak and ominous. In the midday it seemed peaceful, even. There was nothing suggesting that someone decided to die here.

"Not a trace left of you," Izaya whispers, smiling. "Just like I told you. When you die, you cease to exist."

She surprised him. She seemed like one of those people who can't find a reason to live but are too scared to die. In fact, most people in suicide clubs are like this. What they're really searching for is someone braver than them to convince them to finally go for it, give them a little push.

He didn't care about that girl. She cared about him but only because he manipulated her into it. It was superficial. She liked his face and the sweet talk and the fact he was always out of reach, an ideal for the kind of person who wants beautiful things in life but lacks the initiative to obtain them. He loved her like he loves all humans but he thought she was pathetic.

Still, it's the first time someone he knew has died. And now everything she ever was is meaningless to him.

She surprised him, so maybe that was a win. But other than that…

"You piece of shit!"

It's rare that Shizuo can approach Izaya without him noticing. He inhales sharply as Shizuo grabs his collar and lifts him like he weighs nothing. It's not easy, but he manages a smile, forcing his limbs to look relaxed despite how tense he is.

"Shizu-chan. Fancy meeting you here. Did you come to join our classmate?"

"You scum! You knew she would do this, didn't you? Did you make her do it?!"

Izaya raises his brows. "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm just as innocent as you."

Shizuo drags him to the nearby wall, pushes him against it so hard for a moment he can't breathe.

"Don't play dumb. She was one of those creepy fangirls of yours," he growls.

"Oh, you think she was creepy? Maybe you're the one who pushed her?"

"Shut up! I know what kind of person you are! You messed with her mind and now she's fucking dead! Do you have no remorse?"

Izaya tries to laugh, finds he doesn't quite have enough breath to do it. "Oh, Shizu-chan," he coos. "You give me too much credit. Although, since I'm trying to build a reputation, I suppose I can accept it." He gives a sharp smile. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I convinced her to do it and laughed as she fell to her death. Mm, I can imagine it so clearly. A worthless life meeting a worthless end. Poetic, isn't it?"

Shizuo growls, baring his teeth. It's obvious he barely understand what Izaya is saying at this point, he's too furious to care. To him, it probably sounded like Izaya admitted his guilt.

"I'm going to fucking kill you!"

For a moment, Izaya is convinced Shizuo is finally going to put him in a hospital, but then he hears Simon's voice.

"Shizuo! Let Izaya go! Fighting bad!"

He grins. He very rarely gets caught, and when he does his luck gets him out of it.

If he can survive the biggest monster of Ikebukuro, he should be fine working for the yakuza, right?

***

There's a world where Shizuo asks Izaya to live with him.

Shizuo's out of breath as he pushes the door to the roof open. He's not unfit by any means, but running up a thirty story building would affect anyone. He unlocks his phone for light and his heart nearly stops when he sees Izaya balance the wall on the edge of the roof, his arms outstretched, a carefree smile on his face. He looks like he's walking a playground plank and not playing with death.

He hates it when Izaya does that. They made plans to eat together after Shizuo's shift; they were supposed to meet at the bus stop near to the pub where Shizuo works. But he had to stay longer, Izaya got bored of waiting and of course, instead of just visiting Shizuo's workplace like any normal person would, he had to go and do something stupid.

"Izaya, get off the wall."

Izaya turns to him and smiles. He seems unreal with the wind ruffling his hair and clothes, his skin even paler than usual in the bluish light of Shizuo's phone, his eyes glinting eerily as if reflecting the faraway city neons. He looks like a ghost of someone who already jumped and fell, like he'll dissolve if Shizuo reaches out to touch him, leaving him with only echoes of haunted laughter.

Shizuo thinks he's beautiful.

"Good evening to you too, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo blinks, snapping out of his daze. Izaya's voice sounds as real as always, and warmer than usual, the way he greets Shizuo when he's in a good mood.

Shizuo comes closer, watching him warily, his body tense, ready to catch him if he loses his balance. It's Izaya, so he probably won't, but Shizuo can't help but worry.

"Get down," he says.

Izaya turns abruptly, and Shizuo almost chokes on his breath— but Izaya is still perfectly balanced, now looking at the city below him.

"But the lights look so pretty from here."

"Oh, the lights?" Shizuo repeats, irritation seeping into his voice. "I thought you were going to ramble about humans again." He looks down, watching the city below them gleam and shimmer like some kind of a fairytale world. It is pretty, he supposes. Still, Izaya could watch it from a safer spot.

Izaya hums. "I love humans the most, but I don't love them because they're pretty. Most of them are far from it. The lights are dead, so they are much less interesting. But they're beautiful. And from here, they almost look alive." His voice is soft now, Shizuo can barely hear it over the wind. "It's almost as if they're calling me."

Something about these words alarms Shizuo. Without a second thought, he grabs Izaya's forearm and pulls him down. Izaya gasps as he holds onto Shizuo to balance himself. Shizuo touches his arms, sides, hips, acting on some instinctive need to check that he's really here, and safe. Izaya's surprised look shifts into a grin and then he's laughing. Warm and happy, the sound reminds Shizuo of bells and makes his heart squeeze with an intense emotion he can't even define.

"You worry too much, Shizu-chan," Izaya says, but he sounds pleased. It's weird. He used to get so defensive when anyone worried for him. Now he seems to like it, even. That's progress, but Shizuo would prefer Izaya to just stop doing shit that causes him to worry.

"Someone has to keep an eye on you," he says gruffly. His hands are still on Izaya's hips and he doesn't feel like moving them at all.

"Mm." Izaya tilts his head. "What will you do if I move out of Ikebukuro?"

Shizuo scowls; somehow the mere idea annoys him. They don't have to always spend time with each other but he likes knowing Izaya is close.

"What? Why would you?"

"Living with my sisters is… inconvenient. They're old enough to look after themselves now."

Shizuo huffs. He knows what Izaya means is that he doesn't want to put them in danger. Shizuo thinks Izaya should just give up that shady job altogether, but he knows mentioning that is asking for an argument. Shizuo was able to convince Izaya to focus on studying and only take on less dangerous projects, that's already more than he thought he'd be able to achieve. It's strange to think that Izaya actually listens to his advice and values his opinions. Well, sometimes, at least.

"But why would you leave Bukuro? You love it here." Shizuo has no doubts about it, it's something they have in common. The city runs in their blood.

Izaya shrugs. "I wouldn't move far, probably just a neighbor district. Maybe Shinjuku. It would help me to expand my network."

"Bullshit," Shizuo says immediately and then, without thinking, he adds; "Just move in with me."

Izaya's eyes widen and he quickly looks away, covers his surprise with a short laugh. Shizuo is surprised by his own suggestion too, but he decides it makes perfect sense. His apartment is small, but enough for two people. Izaya sleeps over a lot as it is. And Shizuo wants him around. In fact, there's nothing he's ever wanted more. His hold on Izaya's hips tightens.

"We can get a bigger place when you finish studying. But for now this should be enough. And you'll be safe. No one will dare to hurt you knowing you live with me. Isn't that what you wanted? To use me to build a reputation or whatever?"

Izaya laughs again but it sounds shaky, breathless. "Alright," his voice is quiet and he's still not meeting Shizuo's eyes.

"Alright?" Shizuo repeats, not fully believing it, and Izaya just nods. "Hm. Very concise, that's not like you."

"You've rendered me speechless, Shizu-chan," Izaya finally looks up at him, his lips stretched into a grin. His tone is playful, but sounds honest all the same. And then he steps away from Shizuo, grabs his hand and pulls him towards the door. "Let's get that dinner, I'm hungry."

Izaya seems in haste to turn away from him, but his grip on Shizuo's hand is firm.

Shizuo looks at their joined hands and smiles.

***

In another world, Shizuo tells Izaya to get the fuck out of Ikebukuro.

It's a day like any other, Izaya is out minding his own business— though it might mean meddling with other people's business— when Shizuo spots him. Izaya swears that at this point the beast can smell him from miles away, he can't leave his house without eventually being chased. Often it ends with Simon stopping the find and forcefully dragging them into his restaurant, offering them sushi on the house and lecturing them about how fighting is bad, sushi good, eat sushi good mood, make friends. Izaya might consider Shizuo his worst enemy, but he realizes to Simon they look like children having petty arguments. Maybe Simon even thinks they will eventually get along.

It's impossible, of course, but despite that Izaya almost likes those times. It's amusing to watch Shizuo glare at him over the neatly arranged sushi. "The flea's stench makes anything taste like shit," Shizuo always says but then he eats his food anyway. He's really like an animal, Izaya thinks, it's easy to placate him with food. Though he has to admit he usually has some too, before slinking away the moment Simon stops paying attention to them.

Other times, the chase ends with Izaya losing Shizuo and being able to go back home in peace. For some reason, the beast never attacks him at home. Perhaps it's out of consideration for his sisters. Shizuo is stupid enough to let something like that stop him.

It's rare that the chase leads to actual close range confrontation. Izaya prefers to avoid that. Yes, pissing Shizuo off is funny. Getting his bones broken as a result, not so much.

But he's unusually clumsy today, he has difficulty planning ahead. Might be because he forgot to eat again. Not having anyone to remind you to eat doesn't help you develop healthy eating habits and while most of the time it doesn't matter to him either way, sometimes it affects his agility too much.

It would be preferable if today was one of those times when Simon stops them; he could get out of the chase unscathed and eat something, too. Unfortunately, luck is not on his side today, not to mention he thoughtlessly takes some wrong turns and pretty much leads himself into a trap. Shizuo manages to corner him on top of a multi-story apartment building. He presses Izaya against the parapet wall, his hand wrapped around Izaya's neck. His teeth are bared, his eyes filled with rage. It would be difficult to reason with him now even if Izaya wanted to.

"I'm fucking sick of you," he growls, "running around the city meddling and constantly getting me in trouble. I can't have a day of peace!"

Izaya gives a breathless laugh. If he's honest, he's tired of it too. His body hurts all over; Shizuo doesn't often manage to land a hit on him, but whenever he does, it takes days to heal. Despite that, Izaya just can't stop himself from messing with him. It's always a thrill to have those rage-filled eyes fixed on him.

"What then, Shizu-chan? Are you going to throw me off the roof?" He can still speak clearly, even if it's strangled. Shizuo is not pleased with that; he squeezes his neck tighter.

"What the fuck is your problem, huh? Why won't you just leave me alone?!"

"Even if I did…" Izaya chokes out. "You'd still come for me…"

"Only because you mess with people I care about!! If you stopped being a meddling piece of shit I'd forget you even exist! And if you can't stop then get the fuck out of Ikebukuro! Nobody here likes you, anyway."

Izaya tries to laugh, but what comes is a desperate wheeze as his body fights for breath. To his surprise, Shizuo releases him. Izaya can barely stop himself from falling to the floor; he leans against the fall, rubbing his neck as he tries to catch his breath. This is going to bruise. The thought only makes him grin. He'll look like a victim of an animal attack, and that's how he's going to explain the marks to anyone who asks.

"I don't want to do this today," Shizuo says, calmer now. "Today is supposed to be a good day so… not gonna waste it on a disgusting pest like you." And with that, he turns around, starts walking away. Izaya squints his eyes. He should be glad he's getting away unscathed, but he's pissed now. How dare that dumb beast turn his back on him.

He reaches for his switchblade, but as he grips it another wave of dizziness crashes down on him. Even the adrenaline pumping in his veins is not enough to overcome it. Fuck. Today is really not a good day.

"I have good news for you," Izaya says, as it's the next best way to capture Shizuo's attention. "I'm moving to Shinjuku."

It's true; he's been planning to for a while. He never meant to tell anyone, though. He's not sure why, of all things, he decided this was the way to get a reaction out of Shizuo. His mind is really failing him today.

Shizuo pauses for a second, so Izaya knows he heard it. But then he resumes walking, not acknowledging it in any other way. A moment later he's gone. As if, despite him constantly demanding it, Izaya leaving doesn't mean anything to him after all.

Izaya giggles maniacally. For a mindless monster, Shizuo showed remarkable self-control today. Does he really think he can just decide to stop caring about Izaya? Does he think he can walk away with no consequences?

What put Shizuo in such a good mood today, he wonders. Maybe he finally managed to get a job?

The thought makes Izaya grin. If that's case, he knows what to do next.

***

There's a world where Shizuo is Izaya's first kiss.

It happens a few days after he moves in with Shizuo. One moment they're standing in the kitchen, bickering as usual, Shizuo reheating yesterday's leftovers and Izaya making himself some coffee. The next, Shizuo is leaning down to kiss him. Izaya's heart is pounding so hard in his chest he's afraid he'll forget how to breathe and he's afraid if he moves Shizuo will change his mind and pull away. He's not sure what prompted Shizuo to do it, was it the way Izaya poked his side as he teased him, was it the way he laughed at one of Shizuo's grumpy curt answers? All he knows that once Shizuo looked at him, he seemed unable to look away— and now he's cradling Izaya's face in his hands as their lips meet.

It's something Izaya thought about a lot but never dared to hope would happen. For one, he assumed Shizuo was straight. Whenever Izaya pointed out a cute girl to him, Shizuo would agree that she's attractive. _You like to make yourself suffer_ , Shinra told him after one of those exchanges. Izaya pretended he had no idea what Shinra meant by that.

Also, he knows from observing people is that having your romantic feelings reciprocated is a rare occurrence. Even when you're in a relationship it's not guaranteed. Sometimes people date not because they're in love but because they're desperate and scared of being alone.

Is this why Shizuo is kissing him now?

_You're doing this again_ , he thinks, _letting your mind be cruel to you_. Shizuo has told him many times to stop overthinking. And just this once— Izaya closes his eyes and lets himself enjoy the moment. He sighs, feeling Shizuo's lips move against hiss, fully relaxing into the kiss.

Izaya isn't exactly the romantic type, he's never fantasized about what his first kiss would be like, he hadn't even thought about kissing anyone until he met Shizuo. But he's seen first kisses in movies, read about them in books. They are usually described as shy, gentle and sweet.

His first kiss is nothing like that.

Shizuo kisses him like he's been starving for it, with a swift gradation of intensity that leaves Izaya boneless, makes him cling to Shizuo like he's the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. He barely registers being pushed until his back hits the wall and Shizuo immediately pins him to it, as if he was waiting for the opportunity. Izaya tries to move his wrists, not to get away just out of curiosity, and realizes that he can't, that Shizuo probably doesn't even notice the attempt. The rush of excitement he gets from feeling utterly helpless surprises him. Maybe he should worry about it, what the fuck is even wrong with him? But he can't think clearly, or he just he doesn't want to, and instead he kisses back, matching Shizuo's enthusiasm.

He parts his lips for Shizuo's tongue and moans softly when Shizuo pushes it into his mouth. Instinctively, he sucks on it, pulling a groan out of Shizuo. He feels Shizuo press him even harder against the wall, trapping him completely between the hard surface and the heat of Shizuo's body, and it feels so good he might be shaking, he just needs more and more and more—

But then Shizuo pulls back, releasing his wrists. Izaya blinks at him, panting, confused, and the first thing he sees is Shizuo's flushed cheeks and swollen lips— but then he notices the worry in his eyes.

"Izaya, I—"

He's not sure what Shizuo is about to say. Apologize for gripping Izaya's wrists too hard— Izaya can tell it's going to bruise but he doesn't care— or for being unable to control himself, or for kissing him in the first place. _Maybe he regrets it_ , that mean voice in Izaya's head suggests, but he ignores it. He doesn't want apologies, and he doesn't want to _think_.

He wraps his arms around Shizuo's neck and cuts him off with another kiss. And Shizuo doesn't try to pull away again; he kisses Izaya hard, his hands roaming all over his body like he can't stop himself from touching him. Izaya presses himself closer to Shizuo, but no matter what it's still not close enough, and he knows what he wants. He can feel Shizuo's erection press against his stomach and just the thought of having it inside makes him moan, the sound muffled by Shizuo's insistent lips.

Without hesitation, he reaches to unbuckle Shizuo's belt. Shizuo pauses, pulls back again, seems like he's about to say something, then he seems to forget it as he looks at Izaya. Izaya can imagine what he looks like, breathless and undone, and he licks his lips and gives a smirk, trying to take advantage of it.

"Bed?" he suggests, trying to sound alluring. He doesn't want Shizuo to hesitate, to try and talk about it, doesn't think he can handle discussing his feelings right now. His heart is pounding so hard it feels like it's trying to escape his chest, as if it's scared of feeling so much, so intensely. He's always been bad with feelings, he thought suppressing them was the only way to stop them from overflowing. And he can't do either now. He can only feel and feel and feel and it's too much and he needs more—

Maybe his attempt at seduction works, maybe it's something else, but the next moment they're stumbling into the bedroom and onto Shizuo's bed. Not giving Shizuo a chance to hesitate, Izaya immediately starts undressing and Shizuo goes along with it, helping him get rid of his clothes. Izaya isn't shy about being naked, he knows he's not ugly. But being vulnerable in any way still makes him nervous. So he doesn't give Shizuo time to stare, he pulls him down for a kiss and starts unbuttoning Shizuo's shirt at the same time.

Shizuo soon breaks the kiss, though, and once again grabs Izaya's wrists, pins them to the bed, a small crease between his brows.

"Why are you in such a rush?"

"I've wanted to do this for so long," Izaya replies and then immediately flushes because he meant to make it about sex but the way it came out…

Shizuo's expression softens. He frees one of Izaya's wrists, cupping his cheek instead. And he is staring now, there's nothing Izaya can do to stop him, but he only slides his eyes over Izaya's body before focusing on his face.

And the pure adoration in his eyes… not even Izaya's mind can twist it into something ugly. He lets out a breath he didn't even know he was holding, feels himself relax. Shizuo looks at him like he's something precious and Izaya lets himself feel it for once.

"You're so beautiful."

Izaya swallows, his lips curling into a smile without his control. He searches his head for a teasing reply but his mind is blank so he just puts his hand on Shizuo's nape, coaxes him into another kiss.

After that, they take it slow.

It's overwhelming, feeling Shizuo's hands and lips on his body, but at the same time he thinks there's nothing better than being touched so intimately by someone who loves you. Shizuo makes him feel safe, and that feeling doesn't go away even when he opens his legs for Shizuo, even when Shizuo starts stretching him with his fingers. Izaya has fingered himself before, but this is different. A little awkward at first, because Shizuo is very gentle and careful, far more than necessary, but when Izaya moves his hips to push back against his fingers, asking for more, Shizuo frowns slightly, pins Izaya's hips down with his hand and moves his fingers faster, deeper. Izaya startles himself by how loud he gasps. He thought he'd be quiet during sex, because he never made a sound when he touched himself, but suddenly it's as if he can't stop the sounds from slipping out.

The stretch is more than he imagined when Shizuo finally pushes into him. It's slow, careful, and Izaya can feel every inch of his cock as he slides into him, filling him gradually. He clutches on the sheets beneath him, throwing his head to the side. He feels so full, and he loves the sensation so much. It's a bit uncomfortable, but just knowing Shizuo is inside him makes it good. He'd make a joke about how Shizuo's dick makes up for the size of his brain, except he doubts he can form a coherent sentence.

"Shizuo," he gasps out, strangled and needy, parting his lips— and then Shizuo's mouth is on his, kissing him. It's tender and filled with passion and it makes him feel dizzy, his eyes falling shut, his heart thumping so hard in his chest he's sure Shizuo can hear it. It's hard to will his body to relax when he's so overwhelmed with emotions and sensations. He can feel Shizuo's cock pulse inside him; it's hard and hot as his muscles clench around it. It might be too soon, but he wants him to move. He won't mind if it burns; he wants to feel it all.

"Shizuo," he pleads softly against his lips. Shizuo kisses his temple, then the tip of his ear.

"Shh," he hushes him gently. "You're so tight… I don't want to hurt you." His voice sounds strained, breathless, and Izaya wonders how it feels to him, and if it's hard for him to restrain himself from fucking him. He wants to tell Shizuo to do it already but he only manages a soft, needy whine.

Shizuo kisses him again, a gentle brush of lips, and then, he finally starts to move. Izaya feels him pull out, feels his muscles clench as if to keep him inside, feels the ticklish slickness of lube against his opening— and then Shizuo pushes back, all the way in, drawing a breathy gasp out of Izaya's lips. The pace is unhurried at first, Shizuo's cock sliding in and out of him smoothly. He chews on his lip, a bit embarrassed with how vocal he is, small sounds bubbling in his throat each time Shizuo fills him. But it's so good, the sensation making his stomach tense in pleasure, his mind going blank.

He looks up at Shizuo with hazy eyes; his face is contorted in pleasure, he's panting through his parted lips as he fucks him slowly. Izaya thinks he looks gorgeous. He wants to touch him, feel him closer, suddenly irritated with how Shizuo is still half-dressed— but it's okay, he realizes, it's not like they're not going to do it again today. He throws his arms around Shizuo's neck, arches up to him to feel his skin brush against Shizuo's. Shizuo thrusts hard into him and Izaya moans, throwing his head to the side as he feels Shizuo's cock brush against his prostate. The pleasure is intense, and makes him clench involuntarily around Shizuo, heightening the sensations. He can feel Shizuo's cock throb inside him and he moans again, closing his eyes, focusing on the sensations.

Shizuo briefly kisses the side of Izaya's mouth then pulls out of the loose embrace and grips his thighs, pushing them up further, picking up the pace. Izaya once again clutches at the sheets, just needing something to hold on to.

"Izaya," Shizuo breathes. "Look at me."

Izaya whines softly and opens his eyes, looking into Shizuo's. His gaze is dark and intense, heavy with emotions.

"Touch yourself."

His fingers are shaky and clumsy but he follows the instruction and moans helplessly at the combined sensations. He comes with a quiet whine, spilling over his hand, his mind going completely blank as the sensations take over. He hears Shizuo groan, gripping his thighs harder, fucking him faster, until he's coming too. It feels warm inside him, makes him shiver, not at all unpleasant— and then Shizuo is kissing him, pressing their bodies close together.

They shift to lie on their sides after a moment, still with nearly no space between them, both of them quiet, just breathing. It's almost hard to believe it happened, they did it, just like that… when for the longest time Izaya was sure nothing would happen between them.

"How was it?" Shizuo asks eventually, hand tangling in Izaya's hair, his fingers carding through it in slow, soothing motions.

"Good," Izaya mumbles. It was more than good but it's all he can bring himself to say. He shifts closer to Shizuo, burying his face in the crook of his neck. "I think? Not sure, I can't really tell since I have no other experiences to compare to."

Shizuo hums, amused, pressing a kiss to Izaya's hair. "Guess we need to do it again, then."

Izaya snorts; he wants to argue, just for the sake of it, but he doesn't get the chance to as Shizuo flips them over, pressing him down to the bed again, and their kisses, once again, turn passionate.

***

In another world, Izaya never kisses anyone. His only physical experience is with a man he barely knows and doesn't want to remember.

It happens not long after he graduates and starts properly working as an informant. He's still new, he doesn't yet know everything about everyone, and he makes the mistake of underestimating someone. He gets careless and for once, he can't avoid the consequences. Once he realizes he won't be able to escape, he puts up an act, pretends not to care, then tries to talk the guy out of it. But the man doesn't lose interest no matter what. He acts as if Izaya is nothing more than a doll; he pays no attention to his words and his reactions.

Being brushed off and ignored is nothing new to him. Neither is being used. And yet…

Back home he tells himself over and over that he's fine. That he loves humans no matter what, enjoys seeing their ugliest sides. It's fine if they use him, hurt him, then toss him away. He loves everything about them, no matter how despicable it is.

He tells himself that many times. Then he throws up in the toilet.

As he's kneeling on the bathroom floor, trying to catch his breath, his vision blurs and swims. He realizes he's crying. For a moment, he's surprised. He didn't know his body still remembered how to do that.

It's funny. He can't even tell how he feels anymore and yet he can't stop crying. Maybe it's happiness. In the end, everything he experienced today was so human, in the worst way possible.

He laughs, but it comes out as a sob.

In the end he decides that yes, he loves humans no matter what, but he hates being touched. There's nothing more repulsive and he's never going to allow it again.

***

There's a world where Izaya is not afraid of Shizuo.

Before they got this close, Izaya would tell Shizuo that in a mocking manner as he tilted his head, a daring smile on his face. _You know I'm not scared of monsters, Shizu-chan._

But he says that in a completely different way now as he's kneeling on the ground, his arms wrapped around Shizuo, holding him as tight as he can, his voice trembling even as he attempts a humorous tone.

"I'm not scared of you, Shizu-chan."

"You should be," Shizuo says, choked up, but he doesn't pull away. He blinks his eyes, his vision blurred with tears. He can feel Izaya's fingers in his hair, threading through the strands, trying to soothe him. The gesture is far tenderer than Shizuo deserves. "I could've hurt you."

Izaya huffs. "You didn't. You underestimate me. I'm not as fragile as you think."

But you are, Shizuo thinks. He's not hugging Izaya back because he knows he could snap his bones with just a squeeze. And right now he can't trust himself. Not when he almost hit him just a moment ago.

They were attacked by a group of thugs who had some grudge against Izaya. Shizuo didn't even listen to what they were saying; the moment one of them pushed Izaya, Shizuo completely lost control. Dealing with them was like swatting away annoying flies. It was over in an instant. Not long enough for his rage to lessen; when Izaya touched his shoulder, Shizuo spun around and swung his fist at him.

It's only thanks to Izaya's quick reflexes that Shizuo didn't hurt him. But if Izaya hadn't been able to dodge…

Shizuo shudders. "I almost hit you."

"So what. I don't care. Even if you actually hit me." Izaya holds him tighter, his fingers curling in Shizuo's hair. "You said you wouldn't leave me no matter what," he adds, softer. "Well, it goes both ways. You're stuck with me too."

Shizuo exhales shakily, relaxing a little. He still thinks he shouldn't be allowed to have a relationship like this. He's so tired of hurting people he cares about. But he knows no matter what he says, Izaya will stay. And the last thing he wants is to hurt Izaya again.

"I want to get better," he mutters. Izaya is quiet for a moment, just holding Shizuo, gently petting his hair. He smells so good, Shizuo thinks. Just feeling him so close soothes him.

"You will," Izaya says finally, tone firm, as if he's just decided to make it happen no matter what. "We both will. Okay?"

Right now, it's not easy for Shizuo to believe it, but the unshakable determination in Izaya's voice makes him relax. He may not trust himself, but he does trust Izaya.

"Okay."

***

In another world, Shizuo made Izaya be afraid.

It hurts more than he could have imagined, when he first sees fear in Izaya's eyes. It's so strong Izaya can't mask it the way he does with all his other emotions, so strong Izaya can't even breathe properly.

Izaya was never scared of him before. It's my fault, Shizuo thinks frantically, I made it happen.

It bothers him more than it should. He's well aware that had Izaya provoked him, that Izaya had tried to kill him. He tells himself that, but it just sounds like excuses in his head. He can't forget the way Izaya looked, so pale and thin, and so fucking terrified. And even though he was afraid, he couldn't run away. Because he can't walk anymore.

Shizuo feels responsible, but he doesn't know what to do. How can he help if just the sight of him makes Izaya panic? And he knows Izaya well enough to realize that Izaya hates showing weakness in front of others. He must be upset about his meeting with Shizuo.

_He probably hates me more than ever_ , Shizuo muses.

The thought shouldn't upset him. It was always like that between them. And yet, somehow, it doesn't feel right.

It bothers him so much that both Tom and Celty notice. He has a conversation about it with them both. They both advise him to try and contact Izaya.

Shizuo doesn't think it's such a good idea, but he doesn't know what else to do. So he sends a message. He wants to apologize, but he knows texting Izaya _I'm sorry_ would probably just upset him. So what he sends is: Can we talk?

He's not surprised when he doesn't get a reply. Still, it doesn't stop him from anxiously checking his phone for a while. He wonders if he should text again. He wants to, but whenever he's about to send another message he remembers the look on Izaya's face when he saw Shizuo. He was terrified. Pressing Izaya in any way isn't right, either. Maybe all he wants is for Shizuo to leave him alone.

Eventually, he stops checking his phone, stops thinking about texting Izaya again. It's not that he forgets about him. But fantasizing about reconciling with him seems selfish seeing it's clearly not what Izaya wants.

And then, he finally gets a message.

All it says is time and location, there's not a word more. Shizuo doesn't mind the directness of it, but he is bothered by it at the same time. It's just so not like Izaya.

The place is a small, quiet coffee shop, one Shizuo has never visited before, although he's passed by it a few times during work. It's a nice, cozy place, and not overpriced. Izaya is already there when Shizuo arrives. He tenses when he sees Shizuo walk in, then forces himself to relax. It happens so fast Shizuo wouldn't even notice if he wasn't looking for any signs of Izaya being uncomfortable.

He doesn't know what to say so he settles for "hey". Izaya just stares at him, the corners of his mouth curled downwards in an expression that's probably meant to show distaste. But despite Izaya's best efforts to conceal it, Shizuo can tell he's distressed. His eyes never leave Shizuo as he takes the seat opposite him, as if he's expecting Shizuo to attack him unprovoked.

"I've been thinking," Izaya says, not bothering with a greeting. "How much I wish we'd never met." His tone is neutral, almost bored, none of that teasing tilt Shizuo is used to. It only makes the words cut more.

He can't blame Izaya for thinking that. Hell, Shizuo himself would definitely have a better life if they never met. And yet something about the idea makes him feel uneasy. As if it's impossible. As if Izaya is meant to be a part of his world, no matter what.

"But I brought this upon myself, didn't I?" Izaya continues, now with a self-deprecating smile. "If I just left you alone, I wouldn't end up like this." He vaguely gestures towards his legs. Shizuo expected to be blamed, maybe yelled at, threatened. He did not expect Izaya to say that it wasn't his fault.

"No," he protests, because the guilt is eating him up and he needs Izaya to know that he didn't mean to hurt him— not this much. "I also-"

"And I couldn't," Izaya continues, raising his voice a bit to stop Shizuo from interrupting. "Leave you alone. I couldn't stand the thought of you forgetting about me." There's a flush spreading across Izaya's cheeks now, but his gaze is hard as he meets Shizuo's eyes, as if he's daring Shizuo to laugh at him.

Shizuo is baffled. If Izaya was speaking in his usual tone, if his body language wasn't so tense, Shizuo would get angry, thinking Izaya is making fun of him. But as it is, he can sense Izaya's being honest. It must have been difficult for him to admit. Why would he make himself vulnerable in front of Shizuo?

"You're different," Shizuo blurts out and Izaya frowns.

"That's all you have to say?" he asks and huffs a humorless laugh. He lifts his cup but doesn't drink, just watches the fluid as he swirls it in his hand. "I've had a lot of time to think. Too much time." He pauses. "At first, I planned to run away. Avoid ever seeing you again."

"But you're here."

"It doesn't mean I don't hate you anymore," Izaya says matter-of-factly. "But anyway, it never was just that. It never was as simple as I made it out to be."

Shizuo pauses, tries to put his thoughts in order, tries to name what he's been feeling for a while. One thing he's sure of.

"I… I don't think I still hate you."

Izaya inhales sharply and for a moment he's quiet, as if turning the words in his head, examining them.

"It's almost funny how much I wanted to hear that back in high school," he says finally. "I wouldn't admit it, even to myself. But now…" He gives a short, bitter laugh. "Yeah, I really had too much time to think."

Shizuo feels his chest squeeze. He couldn't have possibly known, Izaya just said he didn't realize it himself, and he sure acted like he hated Shizuo just as much. But maybe if Shizuo could keep his cool, if he paid a little more attention, if he didn't attack Izaya on sight…

"But at the same time," Izaya continues, "I never wanted you to stop hating me." He shrugs. "Hate is better than nothing, you see."

Shizuo swallows. He can't name the tightness in his chest, the jumbled mess of emotions, but he knows it's not _nothing._

"Let me help you," he says, making the decision on the spot. This entire conversation feels like a goodbye, but he doesn't want Izaya gone from his life. There must be something he can do about it. And he still needs to properly apologize— needs Izaya to listen, not just brush him off.

Izaya narrows his eyes, whatever tension that faded until now returning to his body.

"I don't need your pity."

"It's not-"

"And I don't want your help."

Shizuo frowns in frustration. "Then what do you want?"

He half expects Izaya to tell him to die, or leave and never come back. But instead, Izaya falls quiet. After a long moment of silence, he finally replies, voice tight, forcing the words out as if it's the last thing he wants to say,

"Meet me again in a week."

Shizuo shouldn't feel so relieved to hear it.

***

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if we never met?" Izaya asks one evening, tone casual. They're sitting on the couch watching some silly show about a woman living in Paris. Izaya is curled up next to Shizuo, pressed against his side the way he tends to do when he's craving closeness.

"No," Shizuo says, frowning. The mere idea makes him uncomfortable. Not meeting Izaya sounds about as likely to him as being born in a world with no air. It's just not a possibility he's ever considered.

"I think I'd be in a bad place if I never met you," Izaya says softly. "I was so lost back then."

They're adults now, but Shizuo doesn't think he'll ever forget that kid with cold eyes and a sharp smile. The kid who seemed so confident and independent only because nobody showed him that sometimes it's okay to rely on other people. The kid who seemed not to care about anything because he was terrified of caring too much.

He looks at Izaya now; his relaxed expression, his eyes full of warmth and light. Even though they still often get that playful twinkle in them, they rarely turn cold and hard. Even though his words can still be sharp, they're just as often genuinely sweet.

"You were really something else," Shizuo agrees, his voice caught between sadness and fondness. "But I wasn't much better."

"That's true," Izaya laughs. "The difference is, unlike me, you're still hopeless."

"Hey!"

"Just kidding." Izaya playfully pokes his side. "It's been months since you got into a fight. And that fight only happened because those thugs wouldn't leave us alone."

Shizuo grits his teeth at the memory. He hates fighting even more than before, because every time he gives in to his impulses it feels like he's ruining all of his progress. But he's sure those men wanted to hurt Izaya. And that's not something he can forgive. He'd kill them if necessary.

But then Izaya snuggles up even closer to him, tucking his head under Shizuo's chin, and the uneasiness, the anger evaporates. Izaya is warm and safe in his arms. They're good for each other. Somehow, maybe thanks to how different they are, they were able to soften each other's edges. And Shizuo is happy now, genuinely contented with his life. There's nothing he'd change about it.

In this world, they managed to stay whole for the most part. Growing up together, falling in love with each other, they helped each other become the best versions of themselves.

***

In another world, they're a mess. Maybe it'd be better for them to stay away from each other. Maybe deciding not to run away, meet Shizuo again was just as stupid as it was brave.

Maybe Izaya would be better off without him.

But those thoughts don't even cross his mind when he wakes up to Shizuo's shaky, ragged breaths. Shizuo's eyes are wide open, a wild look in his eyes; he looks terrified. Izaya is no stranger to nightmares, and his first instinct is to reach out and embrace Shizuo. Even though initiating physical contact still makes him uneasy at times, he's not thinking about it now. Maybe he should at least notice it's out of character for him to be so accommodating, so selfless. But the notion doesn't occur to him at all, and if it does it's buried deep down under all the other thoughts— he's always had too many of those at the same time but he used to bury different ones, the ones that right now are telling him that it hurts to see Shizuo so distressed and more than anything, he just wants to comfort him.

Shizuo flinches away at first, but Izaya knows that reaction, when Shizuo wants affection but is scared of hurting someone, and he stubbornly moves closer, wrapping his arms around Shizuo, pulling his head to his chest.

"It was just a dream," he says, as soothing as he can manage.

Shizuo doesn't respond; he is tense in his arms, and not even petting his hair helps; that means the dream must've been bad. Not the kind of dream that seems silly when you recall it in daylight, but something that haunts you at all times. Izaya is familiar with those dreams, too.

He can guess what the nightmare was about. It's almost ironic that Izaya himself doesn't have nightmares about the fight. Shizuo still gets them pretty often and though he never told Izaya about it directly, Izaya figured it out.

He never knows what to say. He knows Shizuo dreams of killing him— and really, what is he supposed to say to that?

So he pulls Shizuo even closer, buries his nose in his hair. His hair is far from soft due to constant dyeing but it smells nice. Like the shampoo they've been sharing for a while now.

The thought makes Izaya smile. At times he still thinks it's bizarre that they ended up like this. But most of the time he feels like they were meant to be like this from the start. If only they hadn't been so stupid, Shizuo wouldn't be haunted by those bad memories.

"It's alright," Izaya says, his voice catching a little despite his efforts to make it calm and sweet. He just wants Shizuo to feel okay. "I'm here, I'm here." _I'm fine_ , is what it means. _I'm alive_.

He's not sure if it's the words, the soothing tone or just the closeness, but Shizuo does relax eventually. He sniffs, exhales shakily. Izaya doesn't comment on it, just keeps playing with Shizuo's hair, allowing him to let it all out.

He only pulls back when Shizuo's breath evens out and he can't help but chuckle at his red nose and puffy eyes.

"And you say I'm dramatic," he says, cupping Shizuo's face and wiping away the tears. Shizuo doesn't even glare or scowl in response, and that says a lot about his mental state.

"You know, don't you," he says quietly. "What the nightmares are about."

Izaya's smile falls from his face. "Yes," he answers simply. "Do you want to talk about it?" The idea makes him a little nervous but it's far from the most uncomfortable conversation he's had in the past year. And if they talk, Izaya can always laugh about it. If there's one thing he's good at, it's turning his trauma into a joke. Besides, the last thing he wants is for it to become some sort of an uncomfortable taboo topic between them. It's much better to laugh about it.

"Not really. I just- I don't want to make this about myself. I- hurt you. So…" He sighs. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

Izaya exhales a shaky laugh. "Silly Shizu-chan. It's about both of us." He chews on his lip briefly, thinks which words to use, how uncomfortable he's ready to be right now. Gods, he wishes relationship talks were as easy as lying and deceiving people. In the end, he decides he has no willpower left to be all serious about it. Maybe some other time. "It was an epic final battle… so of course both the knight and the dragon are equally important."

Shizuo gives him an incredulous look. "What the hell are you taking about?"

Izaya grins. That's more like it. "Our legendary duel, of course! The final showdown. You can bet I will tell my grandchildren all about it."

Shizuo frowns. "Never knew you wanted children, let alone grandchildren."

"I do not. Why are you focusing on insignificant details? What matters is the epic tale! The dragon and the knight, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo's frown only deepens. "So… who's the dragon?"

"Me, of course. I did set you on fire. Besides, you ended up defeating me even though I was much cooler. That's how every fairy tale ends."

"I didn't _defeat_ you." Count on Shizuo to take everything too literally and look troubled over a joke. Izaya resist the urge to roll his eyes. "I mean… we're together now."

Izaya pauses, considering it, and then he grins. "That means you're the donkey."

"Hah?"

"From Shrek. You know, he and the dragon-"

"Oh my god. Shut up." Shizuo laughs. _Finally_ , Izaya thinks. "That has to be the most disturbing thing anyone has ever told me. And believe me the competition is high."

"Happy to know I'm not losing my touch."

"You're impossible," Shizuo grumbles, but he pulls Izaya into his arms, and he doesn't seem to be afraid to touch him, which is an improvement.

He still holds Izaya like he's something delicate and precious. There are times when Izaya hates being held like this. But, right now…

"I don't understand," Shizuo says, voice rough, "how did I could hate you so much. When you're everything I've ever wanted."

Izaya's breath gets stuck in his throat. He doesn't trust his voice enough to reply and he wouldn't know what to say anyway. He's glad his face is hidden in Shizuo's neck. But Shizuo probably can feel his heart race in his chest.

He wants to believe those words, but it's hard. A part of him is still waiting for Shizuo to leave, and he pushes it down, always torn between hoping this is real and resigning himself to his doubts, just enjoying what they have while it lasts.

It's not that he has complexes. He knows he's desirable. He knows he's pretty, smart and funny. But he's also Orihara Izaya. He's just not someone people want around for the long haul. It's been proven many times; it's simply a fact, nothing more. So how can he believe otherwise?

***

There's a world where Izaya says I love you almost every day.

Shizuo doesn't dislike it. He may be more into actions than words but it's nice to hear it, and he makes sure to say it too when the time is right.

But sometimes Izaya says it so casually it confuses Shizuo. He doesn't mind, he just doesn't really understand why Izaya does it. To Shizuo, the words are special; dropping them so easily just wouldn't feel right.

_I love you!_ Izaya exclaims brightly, when Shizuo brings him his favorite food. _Aw, I love you,_ he says when Shizuo compliments him. He says it when Shizuo leaves to work and when he comes back home. He says at the most random times. However, Shizuo has noticed Izaya rarely says it when the mood is serious. And he never says it back after Shizuo says it.

And, right now, he's watching Izaya's eyes light up in a smile as Shizuo brings him a mug of coffee unprompted, and he already knows it's coming.

"Love you," Izaya says as if it's just another way to say thanks.

"You know," Shizuo muses, plopping down on the sofa next to Izaya, "Sometimes I wonder if you even mean it."

He doesn't intend it to be a jab or a complaint, and he immediately feels bad when he senses Izaya tense beside him. He doesn't know how to take it back without making a big deal out of it.

"It's just, you say it all the time," he glances at Izaya, flinches inwardly at his carefully neutral expression. It's the one he gets when he's withdrawing into himself. That's the last thing Shizuo wants. "Not that it's a bad thing." He reaches out and rubs his knuckles against Izaya's cheek. "Hey. Don't make that face."

It's enough for Izaya to relax a bit and smile and Shizuo is once again reminded how much Izaya has grown as a person.

"I do mean it," Izaya says softly. "I think it every time I say it. It's easier for me like this. Because in those times when I feel it too much, I… get overwhelmed and the words just won't come."

Izaya has told him this before. That sometimes he feels things too much and it scares him. It just never occurred to Shizuo that it applies to positive feelings as well.

Izaya is not looking at him; he's staring at his hands, playing with his fingers. Nervous, but at least not bothering to conceal it. Shizuo knows Izaya can do that if he wants to.

Gently, he takes Izaya's hands in his, pulls them into his lap, making Izaya turn to him. His heart clenches when Izaya looks up at him. He's so cute with his lips parted and confusion in his eyes.

"I love you too," Shizuo says seriously. He's definitely thinking it right now— in fact it's the only thing on his mind.

Izaya's eyes widen, then he promptly turns red and looks away.

"Geez, Shizu-chan. That's embarrassing."

"Hah?! You do it all the time!"

Izaya giggles, and Shizuo forgets how to be mad when he sees him smile like this.

"You really don't know how to be casual about those things, do you? I bet you're the type to buy a wagon of flowers and hire an orchestra just to propose."

It's Shizuo's turn to blush.

"And what's wrong with that?!"

Izaya's smile disappears instantly; he stares at Shizuo blankly. "Please say you don't intend to propose to me like that."

"Who says I'm gonna propose to you at all, you brat!"

Izaya's grin immediately returns to his face.

"Good. Weddings are dreadfully boring." He shifts closer and rests his head on Shizuo's shoulder. "Besides, marriage or not, I'm staying with you."

Shizuo grunts. "You better."

***

In another world, Izaya never says it. He knows how he feels, but he's too afraid to voice it. He doesn't even consider trying. Wouldn't it be meaningless, for someone like him to say 'I love you'? Can he even feel it in a way that's not ugly and twisted? If he says it, wouldn't Shizuo feel insulted? In the end, Izaya talks about loving humans all the time, and he knows Shizuo considers it total bullshit.

Of course, what he feels for Shizuo is different. But when it comes to just words, there's only one way to say it.

Shizuo never says it, either, not directly, but he shows it in many ways, so obvious about it that not even Izaya can misinterpret it. He almost lets himself believe it sometimes, that he's loved. And yet, he doesn't think it can last.

With how unstable their relationship still is, it's not surprising the confession comes out in an argument.

"Why do you have to make everything so damn difficult?!" Shizuo snarls.

Izaya grits his teeth. In his opinion, he has the right to decide whether or not he wants to do physical therapy. He did choose to do it. He does go regularly, he will go again. Just not today, he can't do it today.

Of course, he could've just said that instead of telling Shizuo the whole thing is pointless and a waste of time. But _I can't do it today_ sounds weak and pathetic and—

"I don't have to _make_ it difficult. It already is. I still have days when it's hard to even walk. Do you think I find it fun?"

"I'm fucking tired of you constantly twisting my words," Shizuo grumbles.

_I'm fucking tired of you_ is all Izaya hears.

"Why are you still here?" he asks, tone ice cold.

Shizuo blinks, confusion mixing with irritation on his face. "What?"

"Why are you still here?" Izaya repeats, even sharper than before. "I know you're sick of me. Go ahead and leave. You've done more than enough for your little charity project. Apparently I'm not as easy to fix as you were hoping but hey, you did your best!"

"Leave? Charity project?" Shizuo repeats, his voice rising in volume with each word. "I fucking love you, what the fuck!"

Izaya freezes. He falls silent, unable to respond, just staring at Shizuo with wide eyes. And Shizuo doesn't wait for a reply. He makes a small irritated sound and leaves the room. After a moment, Izaya hears him washing dishes in the kitchen. He almost smiles at that. No doubt there'll be at least one cracked mug but if it helps Shizuo calm…

He recognizes the suffocating feeling squeezing his chest and throat as guilt. Izaya is not the type to apologize first— he doesn't even know how to. But Shizuo doesn't sulk for long and Izaya can't stand the thought of him making the first move again. It has to be him this time.

So, hesitantly, Izaya approaches him in the kitchen. He doesn't know how to say I'm sorry and he doesn't know how to say I love you. He's scared of initiating physical contact too. But maybe that's how Shizuo knows it means something, when Izaya clings to Shizuo's back wordlessly. Izaya hears him close the tap and then he turns around and wordlessly pulls Izaya into an embrace.

They stay like this for a long moment. It's so warm and comforting, Izaya wants to never let go. When Shizuo holds him like this, all of Izaya's worries seem silly. He has something so precious, why does his mind keep trying to ruin it?

It's like Shizuo can read his mind because he pulls back and, cupping Izaya's face, looking into his eyes, he says, "I won't leave. No matter what. Okay?"

Izaya's eyes widen and— it's strange. Shizuo's determined, steady gaze combined with those words, with that gentle touch on his face… it feels strangely familiar. As if in another time, another place, Shizuo has already told him that.

Izaya doesn't question that feeling. Somehow he knows it's true. And he knows this is exactly what he needed to hear. It's as if everything falls into place.

He takes a deep breath, parts his lips, and says what he feels. And it's worth it, just to see the embarrassment mixed with happiness on Shizuo's face. Izaya loves seeing him smile like that. It's a small smile but to Izaya, it's brighter than the sun.

In this world, what they have may be a little twisted and a little bit insane, but it's exactly what he wants. He wouldn't exchange it for anything.

**Author's Note:**

> this was like, me squeezing all the shizaya tropes into one fic lol so yeah if it's cliche... tbh im not even sorry it was fun to write!  
> can you believe i started writing this in like? april? and then i abandoned it until november  
> but it's finished! i know there are many much longer fics out there but for me, this is A LOT of words. i rarely ever write really long fics so!  
> this probably could still use some editing but IM TIRED OF IT lol. so i'm sorry that it's not perfect. i poured all my love for the ship into this fic so i hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> hmu @kittnpaw


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